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Two of Grandma's romance novels - oh, my
Totally. Warped. I skimmed, because actually reading became far too painful.
Claire, 1919
Starts out with a blind guy going down with a sinking ship. He winds up washing ashore somewhere in remote Chile. He trips over something soft on the beach, which turns out to be Claire. There were already many clues that this was not going to be a particularly well-written book, but I completely gave up when, while Claire and blind guy were talking, her eyes flashed from hazel to brown. He's blind... she's not looking in a mirror.... Hey, I'm as fond of shifting POVs as the next gal, but I've allowed myself to be edumicated as to some of the pitfalls.
They wind up in a cabin with a fellow named Philip. 1919, two men and a woman stranded in a cabin until spring comes.
Claire falls for B.G., Philip falls for Claire, jealousy is rife. Makes it really uncomfortable for B.G. and Philip when they climb into bed together each night. *g*
Seriously, I was skimming and I missed a major plot point, but I wasn't about to go back and look for it. Somehow Claire became certain that she had killed B.G.'s love, so she let Philip kiss her while she sagged disinterestedly in his arms like the 1919 slut that she is, and promised him that she would stay at the cabin and be his wife. Or some approximation thereof. Philip has a lot less problem with the distant husband than he does with the ever-present B.G.
B.G. and Claire confess their love! They kiss! She continues to lead Philip on, letting him think she's still planning to stay with him after the spring thaw. Oh, you 1919 slut, you.
Philip walks into the cabin and catches Claire and B.G. kissing! There's a wild fight! Claire cowers in a corner in terror, wondering how she's going to like living with Philip after he kills B.G. 'Cuz, you know, B.G.'s kind of at a disadvantage, being blind and all. And B.G. realizes this. So, (and now we get to what sets this story apart from most other romance novels) B.G. decides to even the odds by gouging Philip's eyes out.
But even with one eye half gone, Philip still has a stranglehold on B.G. and doesn't seem to be planning on letting go anytime soon. Claire (now we're getting all romantic again) is suddenly driven to act! She grabs a knife, straddles the two men, and stabs Philip in the back!
So now Philip's dead, B.G's all WTF just happened, and Claire's worried that B.G. might not love her quite so much now that she's killed a man. Foolish woman! How could she have doubted his love? He says something romantic about being savage in nature and clutches her to his manly bosom.
Our story ends with Claire and B.G. walking out the cabin door, hand-in-hand, off to live the future they've fought and killed to have. Harlequins were never like this, Sid thinks, and goes off to wash her hands, wishing she could live the last hour or so of her life over again.
Madeline of the Desert, 1920
Madeline, daughter of a British floozy who opened up a brothel in Egypt. Runs away at 16 to live with a Frenchman who conveniently dies and leaves her all his money. She travels around, spends some time in London where she becomes a hit playing Mary Magdalene on the stage (talk about typecasting), has various flings. Winds up traveling back to Egypt with an Italian prince. She's weary of her empty life as a 1920 slut, something's missing, the prince is a drag. She's going to dump him and kill herself.
Enter our hero, a handsome, stalwart young-yet-already-famous British explorer/archaelogist. They have dinner. There are impassioned moonlight kisses. All the passion is one-sided of course, because she's still planning to kick the bucket. But later he can't sleep and senses that she needs him and walks out onto the balcony in time to grab her just as she jumps off.
Things progress. He proposes. She agrees. While they're waiting the necessary three weeks before they can marry, he falls dangerously ill. During the crisis, a doctor literally throws her down on her knees and tells her to pray, even though she doesn't believe in any of that stuff.
She prays. She realizes how much in love she is. Our Hero revives briefly, but is prepared to just slip away again because she doesn't need him, but then he sees in her eyes the spark of love... yeah, he'll be fine.
So they get married and immediately go off on a dig. Their marriage is consummated away from camp, under the stars... at least I'm fairly certain they were having sex. There was a lot of vague talk about unity...
At this point I check and I'm less than half way through this 420 page book, and I'm wondering what on earth the rest of the story is about.
Well, folks, I'm going to spare you most of it. See, she's discovered Christ, but doesn't think much of religion, so she kind of preaches her own path.
ANYWAY, um, they go back to England, she has a baby, the baby dies, he accuses her of neglect and leaves her. Later they reunite (he may have apologized a little bit, but he would've had a lot more crawling to do if I'd had anything to say about it), have make-up sex (I'm pretty sure) and while he's asleep she goes down to answer the door. It's a friend who's come to ask her a favor. She tells him 'no', and he walks away. This is right around page 400.
She's still standing there at the door and thinks he's come back, but then she realizes it isn't her friend. "Who is it?" she asks. And then she's filled with a sense of peace and joy and...
Yep. It's JESUS!
So then she cries all over his feet and as he fades away he tells her to "Feed my sheep."
Now, boys and girls, I've read a lot of romance novels in my time (i.e.in my 20's and 30's) and Not One has featured a personal appearance from The Lord. Not ONE.
So the next morning, she decides that what she needs to do is to honor the request her friend made last night, and she leaves a note for her husband telling him that she said 'no' to her friend, but she just couldn't say 'no' to Him. And then she trots off to get between striking workers and armed police officers, because her Master wants her to prevent a riot.
Of course she gets shot, but the riot is prevented when the Chief of Police and the head of the strikers each grab an arm as she falls. And things don't look good, and the doctor doesn't hold out much hope, but just as it seems she's slipping away... she smiles and opens her eyes and says, "I know my Redeemer liveth."
So they go back to Egypt and liveth happily ever after, Amen.
~~~~
What kind of crack were they smoking back then? This is what made the hearts of housewives and shopgirls race? *boggles* I've still got half a dozen more books to look at, but now I'm afraid to. *looks at bookshelf with loathing*
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I'm laughing my head off here but how sad is it that I actually want to find some romance novels from that time period and read them? It's like the best of bad-fic or something!
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I. CAN'T. BREATHE.
AHAHAHHAHA!
OMG. Published bad!fic, I shall never get over you.
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And Jesus in a tacky romance novel? *laughs a lot*
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This is gold!
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Am speechless.....*wipes tears from eyes*...
Deeds xx
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I've never read a romance novel in my life, but now I'm curious to know what, in 1920, constitutes one of those "unity" scenes. If you can bring yourself to read one. :)
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This is priceless.
Please don't read any more. It may cause lasting damage and Jack/Daniel fandom needs you. :-)
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1) my friend Ginger who literally believed, from the age of 10-14, that she was in a sexual relationship with Jesus Christ.
2) Bible!fic, most notably, Jesus/Judas slash. The only fandom that can really start a *holy war* over something that you write :-)
3) When I was 6, my grandmother gave me a huge box of books. The ones on top were the 1900's FireFox books, which had all the details and how-tos for living in the country and supporting yourself. Graphic photos and descriptions of just how to string up and butcher your own farm hog, how to make lye soap, how to find your way through the woods, etc. Awesome shit. All the books under that first layer? Romance novels. My mother blew a fucking gasket when I came to her with one of those, going "Mommy, what are they doing? I don't understand why he's ripping her clothes off with his knife in this cave!" All in all, hilarious memories.
4. I miss stalking you :-P
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LOL
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Oh, there must be some better written ones! *looks at shelf and blanches*
You can download this one! http://www.arfalpha.com/MadelineOfTheDesert/madelineofthedesert.htm
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Yes, I think you're probably right!
Hi!
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OMG, he's not just some random nutjob! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthur_Weigall
Daniel Jackson probably knows everything about the man. :-o
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Look! You can d/l the book and read it yourself! http://www.arfalpha.com/MadelineOfTheDesert/madelineofthedesert.htm
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She had recognized Him; at long last His divinity was revealed to her, and her heart leapt within her.
*hands you tissue, assuming more tears are about to manifest themselves* :-D
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*chooses appropriate response*
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In the arrogance of their passion it seemed that they two, their unity, were the fulfilment of all the world's hope, that they were the solution of the riddle of existence. This was the thing expected; that their unuttered words and the surge of their mingled breath were the messages for which the ears of the multitude of the dead were straining; the beauty of their all-conquering youth was the vision that earth and heaven, life and death, so breathlessly awaited. Yearning towards one another, absorbed into one another, they lay couched upon the extreme pinnacle of the world, raised into the very presence of the stars and assaulting the mighty gates of Paradise.
For long they lay thus under the canopy of heaven, while desire and passion and the unquenchable thirst of longing held them in the glory of mutual capitivy; and softly the darkness of night fell upon them, hiding in its tender oblivion the idolatry of their love."
etc. *g*
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*glances nervously at bookshelf*
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2. ZOMG! Yes, beyond 'wank' = *holy war*.
3. Those FireFox books sound absolutely fascinating! Hee, so does the knife/clothes/cave bit!
4. {giant stalk-ee hugs}
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He must have been a very interesting person!
Badfic is everywhere. *nods solemnly* And tremendous stuff is to be found right here on LJ. :-)
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LOL
(Oh, and to my last response, add *ROFLMAO*, because I crack myself up sometimes.)
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If I took out about 90% of the words and rearranged them -- regions, fell upon, straining pinnacle, ecstasy.... Nope. Maybe if I had a few days. ;-)
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And other really hot stuff. The only body parts mentioned were hands, throat and shoulders. Well, possibly lips. But don't quote me on that.
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Dude, that's the best part.
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Dude, you only had to ask!
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(Anonymous) 2008-09-30 08:45 pm (UTC)(link)add to this a scheming countess, a dwarf jester being manipulated by said countess & the king, not to mention the heroine's blind younger sister is secretly in love with don john.
there's not "unity" or "uniting" or whatever it was. just some hand holding and chaste kisses.
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And did you know your book was made into a silent movie in 1923? There probably wasn't any "unity" in that either. LOL
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