Daniel: Jack, would you stop! Jack: They killed two of my men! Daniel: Yes, they did. But not all these people are responsible for that. And even the ones that were, were…just doing what they believed was right. Jack: I really don't care. Daniel: Well, I do. And leaving right now would be irredeemable.
When Daniel opened his front door, he was clearly surprised to see Jack. He just stood there with raised eyebrows.
"Knock, knock," Jack said.
Pressing his lips together, Daniel motioned him inside. Surprised and speechless. It couldn't last. They headed for the living room. Daniel settled himself on the couch, where he'd obviously been when the doorbell rang.
Jack sank into his favorite chair and gestured at the papers and books strewn over the coffee table. "Hope I'm not interrupting."
"It doesn't matter."
"Sweet." Jack kneaded the arms of the chair and looked around the room idly.
"I'm surprised you're here."
The words were mild enough. Jack looked at him. The expression matched. "I got that." He waved a hand. "I was half expecting you to show up at my place."
Daniel blinked once, twice. "I didn't think you'd want my company."
"Why not?"
Daniel tilted his head and gave him an exasperated look. "I didn't think you'd want company, period."
Jack gave him a quick half-smile. "But you're special." He could tell Daniel didn't believe that, but was pleased to hear it just the same. "I'm serious."
"That's a first," Daniel mumbled.
"Mm."
"So did you come here to talk?"
"Why?" Jack coughed. "Did you have something you wanted to say?"
Daniel eyed him, undoubtedly trying to gauge his intentions. If Jack were entirely sure what they were, he might've offered Daniel a clue. He only knew that he didn't want to be alone and that Daniel was the one he needed to be with. He tried looking pleasant and open, but that only made Daniel narrow his eyes, so he stopped.
Daniel nodded and pushed up his glasses. "I do have a question."
Jack gestured with one hand. He had a few questions he'd been asking himself, on an endless loop. It would be interesting to see if Daniel's question was something different.
"I was wondering how you…turned on a dime, about the K'tau people."
Jack shifted in his seat. "What do you mean?"
Daniel inhaled and exhaled. "Do you remember what you said to Malchus?"
"When?"
"When you were…" Daniel made a fist.
"Beating him up?" Jack drummed his fingers. "Not really," he admitted.
"You said two things. That he had killed your people, and that he had screwed his entire planet."
"Right. Okay."
Daniel leaned forward. "You cared that he had condemned his people, destroyed our chance to save them."
Jack saw where this was going. He resisted the urge to lean back in his chair, away from Daniel and his next words. He'd invited the question, after all. And he was trained not to let body language give him away.
"And then not ten minutes later, you were ready to just walk away. Abandoning them to their fate." Daniel looked away, and back. "You said it plainly enough. You just didn't care."
Jack nodded shortly. "And your question is?"
"I guess I just don't want to believe it."
Jack's lips parted.
"So I guess I don't have a question after all. I just want you to tell me that I'm right."
"Aren't you always?" Jack winced apologetically. He didn't need the look on Daniel's face to tell him that this was an inappropriate time for levity.
"Was I this time?"
Jack puffed out air. "I was trying to stop caring."
"Why?" It was a truly foreign concept to Daniel.
"So it wouldn't hurt so much. So I could blame them for my failure to save them."
"Your failure."
"As team leader. As mission commander." Jack stood up from his chair and paced across the room. "I'd lost good men, for nothing. Nothing. I should have brought in Marines. I should have protected that site and the people working on that damned rocket. I knew Malchus was a nutjob. I should have…"
"Predicted the future? Foreseen the unthinkable?"
Jack shrugged stiffly.
"The rocket might not have worked anyway. Malchus might have been stopped, and your men might still be alive, but K'tau could have been lost all the same."
Jack exhaled and sank back into his chair. "Yeah."
"So. I was right."
Jack shut his eyes. "I cared that I couldn't help those people and that they were all going to die. Yes, Daniel. You were right."
"You knew they would never evacuate the planet."
His eyes flew open. "Now you're giving me too much credit."
Daniel frowned. "What do you mean?"
Jack scrubbed his hands through his hair. "I never even thought to ask them." Daniel made a shocked, confused face that would have been funny under different circumstances. "Because I'm not that bright, okay?"
"That's ridiculous."
"Well."
"You weren't thinking straight. Your men. The…pointlessness of it all." Daniel. Reasonable Daniel. Trying to understand. Trying to make it all right.
"It's my goddamn job to think straight, especially when everything is turning to shit." Jack hit the arm of the chair with a clenched fist, twice, and took a deep breath. "I'm not supposed to lose it the way I did."
"No," Daniel agreed, quickly. "You scared me."
Jack let out the breath. "One more reason I'm not supposed to lose it. It's bad for morale." He eyed Daniel. "You didn't act scared."
"I couldn't," Daniel said simply.
Jack nodded slowly. "Good for you. Someone needed to keep their head. Sorry."
"Good for you, too, Jack."
Jack made a face. "For what? I did just about everything wrong."
"You listened to your team members. You recognized that there were legitimate alternatives. You pulled it back together." Daniel smiled at him. "I wouldn't call that wrong."
Jack opened his mouth.
"And don't say too little, too late."
Jack closed his mouth. Opened it again. "Things may have worked out, but it wasn't because of anything I did. Carter, maybe. You, maybe. Probably."
"Probably not. It was probably what you said. The Asgard sneaking in the back door we left open. Sam gets the credit for that."
"That's not what you said on the planet."
"Well, I was just saying that we would probably never know for sure. Because the Asgard would probably think they were violating the Treaty if they told us that they…violated the Treaty."
"That's a lot of 'probably's."
"Well, the point is…"
"The point is, that you very possibly deserve more credit than we'll probably ever know."
"Jack."
"Daniel?"
"Jack, you can't honestly think that my prayer had anything to…"
"Hey, you were the one who brought up the possibility."
"I certainly wasn't talking about myself. I was talking about the ongoing, devout prayers of the K'tau people. You should know that."
Daniel's scowl only served to egg Jack on. "Hey, I only know what I saw. You prayed, and the sun came out. I told you you were special."
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Okay, now you're just messing with me."
"You won't even entertain the possibility?"
"No." Daniel shook his head. "Hey, maybe it was Sam! I'll bet she was praying all along. And why would any deity listen to me and not to all those other people, when I'm not even a religious man?"
"Because you're a good person. Because you care about people. And stuff like justice, and decency." Daniel opened his mouth, but Jack raised a finger to silence him and continued, "Because you wouldn't let me do something 'irredeemable'."
They looked at each other for a long moment and Daniel's expression softened. "No, and I never will. Not as long as you're willing to listen to me. Because you're a better man than that, Jack."
Jack doubted it. But as long as Daniel had that much faith in him, maybe there was still a chance he could live up to it one day. So he just smiled and shook his head, and bit back the words that were on the tip of his tongue.
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branchandroot
The Better Angels of Our Nature
Date: Feb. 22nd, 2014 04:19 am (UTC)Daniel: Jack, would you stop!
Jack: They killed two of my men!
Daniel: Yes, they did. But not all these people are responsible for that. And even the ones that were, were…just doing what they believed was right.
Jack: I really don't care.
Daniel: Well, I do. And leaving right now would be irredeemable.
When Daniel opened his front door, he was clearly surprised to see Jack. He just stood there with raised eyebrows.
"Knock, knock," Jack said.
Pressing his lips together, Daniel motioned him inside. Surprised and speechless. It couldn't last. They headed for the living room. Daniel settled himself on the couch, where he'd obviously been when the doorbell rang.
Jack sank into his favorite chair and gestured at the papers and books strewn over the coffee table. "Hope I'm not interrupting."
"It doesn't matter."
"Sweet." Jack kneaded the arms of the chair and looked around the room idly.
"I'm surprised you're here."
The words were mild enough. Jack looked at him. The expression matched. "I got that." He waved a hand. "I was half expecting you to show up at my place."
Daniel blinked once, twice. "I didn't think you'd want my company."
"Why not?"
Daniel tilted his head and gave him an exasperated look. "I didn't think you'd want company, period."
Jack gave him a quick half-smile. "But you're special." He could tell Daniel didn't believe that, but was pleased to hear it just the same. "I'm serious."
"That's a first," Daniel mumbled.
"Mm."
"So did you come here to talk?"
"Why?" Jack coughed. "Did you have something you wanted to say?"
Daniel eyed him, undoubtedly trying to gauge his intentions. If Jack were entirely sure what they were, he might've offered Daniel a clue. He only knew that he didn't want to be alone and that Daniel was the one he needed to be with. He tried looking pleasant and open, but that only made Daniel narrow his eyes, so he stopped.
Daniel nodded and pushed up his glasses. "I do have a question."
Jack gestured with one hand. He had a few questions he'd been asking himself, on an endless loop. It would be interesting to see if Daniel's question was something different.
"I was wondering how you…turned on a dime, about the K'tau people."
Jack shifted in his seat. "What do you mean?"
Daniel inhaled and exhaled. "Do you remember what you said to Malchus?"
"When?"
"When you were…" Daniel made a fist.
"Beating him up?" Jack drummed his fingers. "Not really," he admitted.
"You said two things. That he had killed your people, and that he had screwed his entire planet."
"Right. Okay."
Daniel leaned forward. "You cared that he had condemned his people, destroyed our chance to save them."
Jack saw where this was going. He resisted the urge to lean back in his chair, away from Daniel and his next words. He'd invited the question, after all. And he was trained not to let body language give him away.
"And then not ten minutes later, you were ready to just walk away. Abandoning them to their fate." Daniel looked away, and back. "You said it plainly enough. You just didn't care."
Jack nodded shortly. "And your question is?"
"I guess I just don't want to believe it."
Jack's lips parted.
"So I guess I don't have a question after all. I just want you to tell me that I'm right."
"Aren't you always?" Jack winced apologetically. He didn't need the look on Daniel's face to tell him that this was an inappropriate time for levity.
"Was I this time?"
Jack puffed out air. "I was trying to stop caring."
"Why?" It was a truly foreign concept to Daniel.
"So it wouldn't hurt so much. So I could blame them for my failure to save them."
"Your failure."
"As team leader. As mission commander." Jack stood up from his chair and paced across the room. "I'd lost good men, for nothing. Nothing. I should have brought in Marines. I should have protected that site and the people working on that damned rocket. I knew Malchus was a nutjob. I should have…"
"Predicted the future? Foreseen the unthinkable?"
Jack shrugged stiffly.
"The rocket might not have worked anyway. Malchus might have been stopped, and your men might still be alive, but K'tau could have been lost all the same."
Jack exhaled and sank back into his chair. "Yeah."
"So. I was right."
Jack shut his eyes. "I cared that I couldn't help those people and that they were all going to die. Yes, Daniel. You were right."
"You knew they would never evacuate the planet."
His eyes flew open. "Now you're giving me too much credit."
Daniel frowned. "What do you mean?"
Jack scrubbed his hands through his hair. "I never even thought to ask them." Daniel made a shocked, confused face that would have been funny under different circumstances. "Because I'm not that bright, okay?"
"That's ridiculous."
"Well."
"You weren't thinking straight. Your men. The…pointlessness of it all." Daniel. Reasonable Daniel. Trying to understand. Trying to make it all right.
"It's my goddamn job to think straight, especially when everything is turning to shit." Jack hit the arm of the chair with a clenched fist, twice, and took a deep breath. "I'm not supposed to lose it the way I did."
"No," Daniel agreed, quickly. "You scared me."
Jack let out the breath. "One more reason I'm not supposed to lose it. It's bad for morale." He eyed Daniel. "You didn't act scared."
"I couldn't," Daniel said simply.
Jack nodded slowly. "Good for you. Someone needed to keep their head. Sorry."
"Good for you, too, Jack."
Jack made a face. "For what? I did just about everything wrong."
"You listened to your team members. You recognized that there were legitimate alternatives. You pulled it back together." Daniel smiled at him. "I wouldn't call that wrong."
Jack opened his mouth.
"And don't say too little, too late."
Jack closed his mouth. Opened it again. "Things may have worked out, but it wasn't because of anything I did. Carter, maybe. You, maybe. Probably."
"Probably not. It was probably what you said. The Asgard sneaking in the back door we left open. Sam gets the credit for that."
"That's not what you said on the planet."
"Well, I was just saying that we would probably never know for sure. Because the Asgard would probably think they were violating the Treaty if they told us that they…violated the Treaty."
"That's a lot of 'probably's."
"Well, the point is…"
"The point is, that you very possibly deserve more credit than we'll probably ever know."
"Jack."
"Daniel?"
"Jack, you can't honestly think that my prayer had anything to…"
"Hey, you were the one who brought up the possibility."
"I certainly wasn't talking about myself. I was talking about the ongoing, devout prayers of the K'tau people. You should know that."
Daniel's scowl only served to egg Jack on. "Hey, I only know what I saw. You prayed, and the sun came out. I told you you were special."
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Okay, now you're just messing with me."
"You won't even entertain the possibility?"
"No." Daniel shook his head. "Hey, maybe it was Sam! I'll bet she was praying all along. And why would any deity listen to me and not to all those other people, when I'm not even a religious man?"
"Because you're a good person. Because you care about people. And stuff like justice, and decency." Daniel opened his mouth, but Jack raised a finger to silence him and continued, "Because you wouldn't let me do something 'irredeemable'."
They looked at each other for a long moment and Daniel's expression softened. "No, and I never will. Not as long as you're willing to listen to me. Because you're a better man than that, Jack."
Jack doubted it. But as long as Daniel had that much faith in him, maybe there was still a chance he could live up to it one day. So he just smiled and shook his head, and bit back the words that were on the tip of his tongue.
That's where you're wrong.