Go ahead - fascinate me!

Posted by Amanda Bachman

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-company-reminder-for-everyone-to-talk-nicely-about-the-giant-plagiarism-machine

Our 12th most-read article of 2025.

Originally published May 19, 2025.

Hey team. It’s your CEO. I know your time is valuable, so I’ll cut right to the chase: It’s come to my attention that some of you have been bad-mouthing the Giant Plagiarism Machine.

I’d like to remind you that our company policy is pro–Plagiarism Machine. We’re a tech-forward, future-oriented company that doesn’t shy away from the promise of new innovation—even if that innovation is a Giant Plagiarism Machine that copy-pastes existing innovation into fake sentient sentences.

Lately, it feels like some of you aren’t the techno-optimists I took you to be. You’ve been heard uttering slurs like “I’m worried about my job stability” and “I just don’t think it’s positive for humankind,” neither of which sounds remotely optimistic or techno. I’ve even heard shocking reports of teams failing to incorporate plagiarism into their processes, because—I can’t believe I have to repeat this—“it’s not helpful.”

Team, hear me when I say that this is harassment, and it must end. Put yourself in your coworker’s shoes—say, a coworker with really nice, designer footwear, who has invested their personal fortune into the Giant Plagiarism Machine, along with other intellectual-property-theft futures. Imagine how that coworker (could be anyone!) might feel working alongside such Negative Nancies.

Folks, that’s just not who we are. This is and has always been a company of risk-takers who are unafraid to move fast and break things. Or at least, that’s what I thought, until a bunch of you started bringing up the many merits of proceeding cautiously and keeping things unbroken.

It just really comes as a shock that such accomplished intellectuals, who’ve spent their entire careers pushing the upper bounds of human achievement, could be judgy about a machine that runs the entirety of human imagination through a shredder and glues together what comes out.

I guess I understand. I, too, was once a little skeptical of the Giant Plagiarism Machine. But that was before I attended The Conference for Big Boy Business Owners. Here, I learned that my fellow titans of industry have been re-orging to “leverage plagiarism” and “minimize thought-waste.”

It was at that very same conference that I learned critical thinking takes up 20 percent, sometimes 30 percent, of company time. It’s clear to me that some of you are not focused on the profit potential of outsourcing all of our thinking to a machine capable of remixing thoughts that have come before.

And sure, most of you are hired for your intellectual capabilities. But you don’t need to worry about losing your jobs to the Giant Plagiarism Machine. As I always say, people are more powerful than plagiarism. (At least until the next economic downturn, during which I will quietly decide that, hey, maybe plagiarism was the dark horse all along.)

The way I see it, we’re family. It really does disappoint me that so many brilliant colleagues—whose genuine breakthroughs I’ve profited from for years—would be so quick to condemn this newer, stupider way that I and others like me can make money off your life’s work, through stealing.

So as we move forward, I want to hear a real turnaround in attitudes, troops!

Because, at the end of the day, you really don’t really have a choice.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-company-reminder-for-everyone-to-talk-nicely-about-the-giant-plagiarism-machine

Posted by Lia Woodward and Leah Folta

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-five-hundred-word-bumper-sticker-on-my-tesla-explains-why-im-not-a-bad-person

Our 17th most-read article of 2025.

Originally published April 25, 2025.

Right now, you’re behind me, within reading distance on the freeway, at the stoplight, in the parking lot, maybe in the drive-thru line, or perhaps in my very own driveway (anywhere but a gas station, really), and I know what you’re thinking. But before you form another thought, you’re going to want to keep reading this five-hundred-word bumper sticker on my Tesla so you can fully understand why I am not a bad person.

First, you must know that I got this car before Elon went evil billionaire. I recognize that its being a 2023 Tesla Model S does complicate that message, but you must also know that the only thing I hate more than what he’s doing to the American people is me being perceived as the bad guy.

Before the last few months, Musk was only mean toward some people, and I hope you can understand that I and most people in my social circles were not among them. So when that suddenly changed for me this year, I was just as outraged as any of you, as evidenced by this five-hundred-word bumper sticker prominently placed on my Tesla.

You can’t really expect anyone to be a fortune teller in these situations, right? When you’re in the market for a car that will get you from point A to point B with incredible speed and low operating costs, and the guy who has essentially made himself the brand of that car is known for mistreating people, spreading false information, and having weird ideas about free speech and populating the human race, how could you possibly predict that someday he will say and do those same things a lot louder and more often? If I had that superpower of foresight, what I wouldn’t have is this bumper sticker on a Tesla that I still own.

Trust me, I feel the sting of every single disapproving glare like a thousand needles. My soul trembles and withers. It is an unbearable burden. Not more unbearable than the money I would lose if I got rid of this car to materially rebuke a man I believe is evil, but it’s still pretty unbearable. If you think this printed explanation looks like it’s overwhelming the rear of my car, just know it’s only the tip of the iceberg of the immense weight I carry every time I get behind the wheel.

Does it help to know that I always return my shopping cart to the designated area? What about the fact that I’ve never been to a Chick-fil-A?Or that I commissioned this bumper sticker from the Etsy shop of a woman who was fired from the EPA?

Contrary to what a first glance at my Tesla might suggest, I care deeply about the innocent people suffering at the hands of this one particular billionaire, which I believe also includes me. So sporting a bumper sticker clarifying that none of it is my fault is the least I can do to help.

Read an interview with Lia Woodward and Leah Folta about writing this piece over on our Patreon page.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-five-hundred-word-bumper-sticker-on-my-tesla-explains-why-im-not-a-bad-person

Posted by Carlos Greaves

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/new-york-times-style-guide-substitutions-for-the-president-violated-the-constitution

Our 22nd most-read article of 2025.

Originally published June 3, 2025.

“The president remained steadfast in his novel interpretation of constitutional law.”

“Faced with the choice between clinging to the letter of the law and marching to the beat of his own legal drum, the president chose the latter.”

“The president’s solutions-focused approach to legal roadblocks necessitated thinking outside the constitutional box.”

“Perhaps unaware that he had sailed beyond the Constitution’s horizons, the president found himself drifting further and further from legal terra firma.”

“The president followed the Constitution the way a jazz pianist might follow a standard chart—treating its chords as suggestions upon which to solo as he saw fit.”

“In a feat of legal engineering, the president stressed the Constitution’s support structures past what experts considered their maximum load.”

“The president, tiptoeing precipitously down the sidelines of legality, inadvertently ran the constitutional football out of bounds.”

“As a tailor might stitch together a suit from pieces of textile, so too did the president fashion himself a bespoke garment from the supple threads of the nation’s legal fabric.”

“The president realized that the framework for governance that the Founding Fathers had laid forth appeared to preclude an action that he wished to take. Viewing this encumbrance as unintended on their part, the president disregarded their erroneous guardrail and pressed on.”

“The president did nothing that his crooked, senile predecessor hadn’t already done before.”

See also:

New York Times’ Style Guide Substitutions for ‘The President Lied’

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/new-york-times-style-guide-substitutions-for-the-president-violated-the-constitution

Posted by Various McSweeney's Contributors

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/our-25-most-read-pieces-of-2025

We’re counting down our most-read pieces of 2025. This list will be updated daily until we reach #1 on December 31. Thanks to all our contributors, readers, and supporters this year!

25. I’m a German Citizen in 1933, and Is It Just Me or Is It Really Hard to Get Any Work Done Right Now?
by Lia Woodward and Leah Folta

24. Escape Room Challenge: Your European Airbnb
by Juliana Gray

23. The Problem with My City Is That It’s a City
by Devin Wallace

22. New York Times’ Style Guide Substitutions for ‘The President Violated the Constitution’
by Carlos Greaves

21. The Mastermind Box Cover: What the Hell Were They Thinking?
by Robert Rooney

20. An Accurate Organizational Chart of Your University
by Ryan Weber

19. Acts of Rebellion for the Middle-Aged
by Liz Alterman

18. As an American Jew, I Feel Completely Reassured for My Safety Now That Trump Has Targeted the Epicenter of American Antisemitism, Columbia University
by Andy Schocket

17. This Five-Hundred-Word Bumper Sticker on My Tesla Explains Why I’m Not a Bad Person
by Lia Woodward and Leah Folta

16. I’m a Free-Thinking Centrist with Only Right-Wing Ideas
by Nancy Matson

15. Crimes I Have Witnessed as a Resident of Washington, DC
by Lucy Huber

14. When It Happens
by Tom Ellison

13. Getting Ahead of It: JD Vance Almost Definitely Didn’t Kill the Pope
by Eli Grober

12. A Company Reminder for Everyone to Talk Nicely About the Giant Plagiarism Machine
by Amanda Bachman

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https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/our-25-most-read-pieces-of-2025