Go ahead - fascinate me!

Posted by Madeline Goetz and Alex Hirz

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/donald-trumps-white-house-ballroom-was-funded-by-private-donors-same-goes-for-the-crocodile-moat

Let us set the record straight: President Trump is not a king, and the White House is not a castle.

To those suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome, a big, beautiful ballroom might reek of the worst of eighteenth-century Versailles; however, this particular gilded, jumbo-sized event space reeks of American spirit, unrigged elections, and Brut by Fabergé. This is a privately funded ballroom for the people—the ticket-holding, well-connected, Stephen Miller–vetted people—all at no cost to the American public.

Also duty-free? The crocodile moat we’re installing around the White House grounds.

At first glance, a crocodile moat may seem archaic and unnecessarily sinister for a place that hosts annual Easter Egg rolls, but we’d argue the moat is a grave matter of national security. For centuries, American presidents have been clamoring for a crocodile moat at the White House. All the greatest lairs and strongholds throughout history and historical fiction have had moats filled with crocodiles. And a democratic country needs a presidential fortress, and a fortress needs a moat. President Trump is the first president to actually have the stones to get it done.

Plus, we had the construction equipment just lying around, waiting to be used. We knocked the East Wing down in record time. So far, installing the new moat has mainly required digging up surrounding sidewalks, roads, and two churches, but the president is willing to bulldoze anything of historical significance that may stand in his way.

Again, this is not costing taxpayers a dime. Instead, we’re using anywhere from $250 million to infinity dollars in private donations from corporations, universities, and American patriots who don’t want their names revealed.

And it’s not just the moat. See those large, looming, revolving turrets? They are courtesy of our pals at Palantir. Light surveillance among friends is the cornerstone of a functioning democratic society.

Those menacing pikes lining the perimeter are brought to you by an anonymous $20 million donation from a little company that rhymes with “Old Man Hacks.” And Vanderbilt University gifted us the trebuchet. It’s very nice that they’re so eager to play ball.

ABC (via settlement) donated the solid gold drawbridge and, as a gesture of goodwill, is re-rebooting Dynasty. The dungeon was hand-crafted pro bono by Eric, Don Jr., and Kid Rock’s pyrotechnic coordinator. We’re not sure who put Nancy Pelosi’s name placard above one of the cells, but it’s funny, so we’re leaving it. A healthy democracy has a sense of humor. Lighten up, peasants.

Also, a fully-funded, fully-functional Hard Rock Cafe just kind of showed up on the lawn overnight.

There are three thousand crocodiles in the moat. Many were gifted from semi-legal adventure parks in Florida, but a bunch came from Stephen Miller’s personal collection. In exchange for his selflessness, we have offered Steve lifetime immunity should the White House somehow change hands in the future. This is not a quid pro quo; it’s a quid pro croc.

Sure, anyone can look at all the hungry crocodiles in horror, particularly if they’re dangling above the moat. But it will make trade negotiations a whole lot easier. And while we’re on the subject of tax dollars, we will be using the imminent $230 million DOJ payout on an infinity pool and a connecting Jacuzzi tub—that’s unavoidable. But it’s also truly, madly, deeply American.

We realize leftist snowflakes are afraid of change, regardless of who’s paying for it. To that, we say: This isn’t the first time the White House grounds have been tweaked. Remember Barack Hussein Obama’s basketball court? Unlike that pointless vanity project—which served absolutely no purpose for people who can’t shoot hoops—the gigantic ballroom, crocodile moat, and Hard Rock Cafe: White House will strengthen our standing on the global stage as a pillar of democratic ideals.

And again, there are no kings, and this is no castle. The only monarchs here are the confused butterflies in the Rose Garden, which we recently paved over. But don’t worry about those bugs; Kristi Noem is dealing with them.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/donald-trumps-white-house-ballroom-was-funded-by-private-donors-same-goes-for-the-crocodile-moat

Posted by Vijay Khurana

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/game-the-cryptic-crossword

FEATURES:

• Black squares
• White squares
• Seeming gibberish

Solving a cryptic is a bit like chewing over a confounding poem. Words that begin as the unlikeliest of associates end up somehow being apt neighbors, relating to one another in a way that makes sense, or at least a kind of sense. Good writing can say something without actually saying it, which is also what cryptic clues do: There is meaning in there somewhere, though it’s hidden beneath a layer of syntactic legerdemain. OK, so lines of poetry are not codes to be broken, and works of literature are not puzzles with definitive interpretive solutions (a lesson I learned despite the best efforts of an algebraically minded high school English teacher). But crosswords do have definitive answers, and finding out what they are can be immensely satisfying to one’s sense of linguistic command. Imagine having the power to break down gibberish and reassemble it as sense! Anagrams and synonyms and homophones and abbreviations and even spoonerisms are brought to bear until inspiration strikes, and your pen (solving should be a screen-free activity) fills a column or row of vacant squares. One down: many more to go.

I’m going to assume you’re au fait with the kind of crossword printed in, say, The New York Times. This is the kind where the clue is generally a “definition,” another way of expressing the answer. “One way to make a hole” could be BORING; “Unvarnished” might be DULL; et cetera. There may be some misdirection involved—in a perfect world, “Dodge charger, e.g.?” would be BULLFIGHT—but there’s always an equivalence between the entire clue and its answer. In a cryptic, the definition is only half the clue. The other half is wordplay, which is a second means of arriving at the correct answer. It can take many forms, but often it’s a second definition, as in “Poet’s currency” for POUND. Anagrams are also common, as in “Book van crashed into lepidopterist” for NABOKOV, who, incidentally, loved crosswords and once made one for Véra in the shape of a butterfly. In that example, crashed is part of the wordplay because it suggests an anagram: It’s a kind of recipe direction to “crash” together the letters of book and van. Then there’s the container clue, all the more devious because it places the answer right under your nose: “Artiste inadvertently shaved Toklas autobiographer.”

With a cryptic clue, your job is to work out which bit is the definition and which bit is the wordplay, and find an answer that satisfies both. It isn’t necessarily harder than a New York Times–style clue, but it is multidimensional where the other type usually isn’t. Cryptics demand the closest of readings. Words may be needed for their surface meanings or for their atomic constitution, and different elements will interact differently. Put another way, you need to spot the STEIN in “ArtiSTE INadvertently.” If this sounds suspiciously similar to dad-jokery, you’re not wrong. Puns tend to play an outsize role in cryptics, a fact that often earns me a raised eyebrow when I gush about these puzzles to People Who Take Literature Very Seriously. But lately, I’ve begun to defend myself against such superciliary attacks. Never mind the fact that double meanings are everywhere in literature, from Shakespeare to the titles of every single academic paper ever written—wordplay is part of complexity in writing and therefore part of the pleasure we get from reading. Take the Christine Schutt line quoted in a Garielle Lutz essay in this magazine, “The Sentence Is a Lonely Place”: “Here is the house at night, lit up tall and tallowy.” As Lutz points out, the final word choice is both astounding and perfect. And the joy of that magnetic tension between the adjectives (these words don’t belong together, except that they do) is a cousin of what a cryptic crossword setter is trying to tease out of their solver. It’s no replacement for reading, but sometimes it’s nice to look at a line of impossibility and know that resolution and sense are in there somewhere, on the other side of wordplay.

See other essays, interviews, poems, and more over at The Believer.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/game-the-cryptic-crossword

Posted by Ricardo Herrera Bandrich

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/of-course-the-president-feels-strange-about-paying-himself-230-million-of-taxpayers-money-but-really-what-else-is-he-supposed-to-do

“President Trump is demanding that the Justice Department pay him about $230 million in compensation for the federal investigations into him, according to people familiar with the matter, who added that any settlement might ultimately be approved by senior department officials who defended him or those in his orbit.” — New York Times

Everyone agrees that President Trump has been “damaged very greatly” by the radical left’s many witch hunts against him.

First, they tried to connect him to Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, which the President won fair and square—by a lot. Then they went after him for obstructing that investigation a bunch of times.

After that, they alleged that the President was keeping classified documents containing military secrets at Mar-a-Lago—which, by the way, hosts incredible movie premieres, fundraisers, and so many other events attended by thousands—and that he was obstructing that investigation as well.

On and on the wild claims went. So it’s only right that the government pays him back for all his legal expenses and for all the mental and emotional anguish he’s suffered, which was so, so much.

To be fair, putting a number on that kind of damage to his reputation is impossible, but $230 million of taxpayer money would definitely help soften the blow.

And though the President said that it’s “awfully strange to make a decision where I’m paying myself,” what does it say about the government he leads if he doesn’t?

What does it say about those working for him, like the two people in the Justice Department who can approve such a large and necessary settlement? Or about him being the guy who used to fire people on TV? Or about America?

Should he simply let it go like a normal convicted felon after his latest case was dropped just because he became president again? After so many close calls with the law? Come on, be real.

I mean, think about that for a moment. If he let this go and just went back to work, what would that mean?

That the law can be used to go after political rivals?

That billionaires shouldn’t be paid with taxpayer money for miscarriages of justice just because unemployment and inflation keep rising, the federal government is still shut down, and countless federal employees have lost their jobs?

That because deportations are being expedited without due process, everything else has to move slowly?

That because the Epstein files are still sealed in a nuclear silo under heavy guard, it means that this can’t be put to rest?

That presidents can’t get what they rightfully deserve just because they’re in office?

I mean, what else is Trump supposed to do? Set aside his own interests and his need for retribution against his enemies out of respect for the office of the presidency and the American people?

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/of-course-the-president-feels-strange-about-paying-himself-230-million-of-taxpayers-money-but-really-what-else-is-he-supposed-to-do