Go ahead - fascinate me!

Posted by Jack Loftus

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/they-would-never-use-the-death-star-on-us-alderaan-residents-reflect-on-their-support-for-the-empire-as-a-large-imperial-installation-enters-the-system

“We spoke with voters who cast their ballots for Mr. Trump and said they were disappointed with his second term. A few said they even regretted their votes.”
— New York Times

MODERATOR: In one or two words, finish this sentence: “I’m feeling ‘blank’ about the Empire these days, now that the galactic superweapon I willingly supported hovers overhead.”

TALLIS, 44: Concerned.
MIRA, 29: Confused yet hopeful.
BRENN: Annoyed.
KELAN, 38: Surprised.
OOLA, 61: Worried.
DARO, 24: Betrayed.
LYSA, 47: Frustrated.
JOREN, 63: Apathetic.
CEN, 35: Discouraged.
PAVA, 19: Anxious.
RINN, 56: Disappointed.
HASK, 41: Steady.

MODERATOR: Mira, you said, “confused yet hopeful.” Tell me more.

MIRA: I think a lot has happened very quickly. There were promises about stability, about restoring order to the galaxy. At the same time, when I look up… it raises questions. Still, I feel like there must be a plan. They wouldn’t position something like that over a loyal world without a reason that benefits us.

MODERATOR: Kelan, you said, “surprised.”

KELAN: I voted for strength. The Emperor projects strength. That’s important. But I didn’t think strength meant a planet-killing battle station this close to my planet. I assumed deployments like this were for Outer Rim situations. You know, for lesser things, like Jawas.

MODERATOR: Daro, you said “betrayed.”

DARO: We were told this was about keeping the galaxy safe from extremists who don’t share our values. Alderaan isn’t that. We’re peaceful. We comply. But seeing that thing’s massive dish warming up like that, it certainly doesn’t feel like protection. It feels like something else.

MODERATOR: Have you felt this way for a while?

DARO: Not until it blotted out the Sun. Before that, it was easy to trust the Empire.

MODERATOR: Oola, you mentioned you’re worried.

OOLA: I supported the Emperor because I thought he’d learned from the Clone Wars. I thought this time would be different. But now there’s this constant vibration I can feel deep in my bones. My grandson says it’s “charging.” I don’t know exactly what that means, but it doesn’t sound like an agriculture policy.

MODERATOR: Tell me why you supported the Empire in the first place.

BRENN: Lesser of two evils. The Senate was ineffective, and the liberal Jedi were out of touch. The Emperor said he’d cut through all that. And he did—sometimes literally. You have to give him that. Things moved. Maybe a little too much moving right now, with the Death Star repositioning every few minutes to maintain a firing solution on our planet, but still.

MODERATOR: Are there things the Empire has done well?

HASK: Disintegrations. And I like that they’re decisive. You look at that battle station, and you think, Wow, that’s decisive engineering. People make jokes about the cost of it, but I see efficiency. They should make two.

MODERATOR: Some of you mentioned concerns. Any regrets?

HASK: None. The Emperor is a smart man. He’s playing a long game. People see a glowing aperture pointed at our planet capable of snuffing out all life as we know it, and they panic. But that’s emotional. Irrational. Grand Moff Tarkin is probably up there doing calibrations we just don’t understand.

TALLIS: I regret it. My sister said this is exactly how it would go. I told her she was overreacting. Now she’s on Yavin 4 with the Rebellion, and I’m outside watching an ominous green light fill the whole sky, and I feel foolish.

JOREN: I don’t know that regret changes anything. It’s there now. It’s not like we can vote it away at this point.

MODERATOR: Are there Imperial policies that have affected you personally?

LYSA: Blue drink sales are way down. People aren’t dining out when the sky looks like that.

MODERATOR: Who do you feel the Empire is most focused on?

RINN: Not us. I always thought we were part of the “us.” Now I’m not sure. I feel like a Bothan spy, to be honest.

MODERATOR: Do you think the Empire understands what life is like on Alderaan right now?

TALLIS: I don’t think they understand the fear. Every surface is glowing green.

HASK: Or illuminated. That’s another way to put it.

MODERATOR: Sorry, “illuminated”? Hask, you disagree.

HASK: People assume the green light and orbiting space station are ominous because they’re unfamiliar. But large-scale governance can look intimidating up close.

MODERATOR: Do you think Alderaan is being treated fairly?

CEN: No. We’re being made an example of.

BRENN: Maybe, but examples are how order works. I’m not saying I like the thought of Alderaan becoming a loose collection of asteroids floating in space. I’m saying I understand the political theory.

CEN: The political theory is currently pointed at my son’s school.

MODERATOR: Has anything changed your mind in the last few minutes?

RINN: The Death Star’s green beam separating into smaller beams and then joining into one larger beam has been clarifying.

HASK: I’d still caution against reading too much into military optics.

MODERATOR: Optics?

HASK: If you build a planet-killer, people are going to assume the worst every time you park it near a planet. That’s just a messaging problem.

MODERATOR: And if it fires?

HASK: Then obviously we’ll need to revisit the messaging.

EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point in the discussion, the laser beam from the Death Star intensified, grew closer, and permanently blinded everyone.

MIRA: I still think there’s a plan.

DARO: I don’t think the plan includes us.

HASK: I think people are overreacting. The Empire wouldn’t target its own loyal citizens. That would make no sense.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/they-would-never-use-the-death-star-on-us-alderaan-residents-reflect-on-their-support-for-the-empire-as-a-large-imperial-installation-enters-the-system

Posted by Jason Gremillion

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/book-of-revelations-chapter-6-revised-2026

And when the trumpets sounded, behold, the lamb opened the first four seals, letting forth four horsemen upon the world of man. The first horse, signifying War, was adorned with golden, ill-fitting hair. He was recognized immediately as the great protector of Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2 and as a ’90s rap euphemism for wealth.

“You’re fired!” proclaimed the first horse. “Remember me? That was kind of my catchphrase in the early aughts.” He then remarked on the beauty of his daughters, thus bumming the vibe for all who heard.

And a second horse then approached, signifying Famine. The horse spoke thusly, with a gravelly voice, similar to his father’s, but lacking in charisma and clarity, “We’re going to end the war on red meat and bring back measles,” he said, clothed in the finest jeans and flanked by the sixth most popular nu metal artist of 1998. “The only cure for whooping cough is cod liver,” he proclaimed, dragging the carcass of a mighty, dead bear behind him.

The horse then filmed a video of himself doing biceps curls, interspersed with clips of the original Top Gun, which was naturally posted on the account of a major government agency.

A third horse galloped in from the horizon, signifying Conquest. The horse was completely bald and carrying a podcast microphone.

“Archangel Gabriel,” I asked the holy protector, “is that not the host of the second iteration of The Man Show?”

“Yes,” the angel answered, “he was also on that reality show that made people eat bull testicles. I think he’s involved in MMA somehow, too, but I’m always too tired to watch when it comes on TV.”

“And Archangel Gabriel, this is the man that conquers humanity?” I asked, puzzled by this great revelation.

The angel did not speak, but pointed back to the third horse, and then I saw he was ridden by a great South African King named Elon, saluting like the Romans, but winking at me in a way that was totally gross.

“Listen, subjects,” the King shouted, “comedy is legal again.”

I then asked King Elon to tell me a joke so that I could participate in this new, legal comedy. The King then became nervous and, unable to speak, summoned an army of five thousand virgins who subsequently called me “gay” and “not an alpha.”

Finally, as the trumpets began to sound again, the fourth horse appeared, signifying Death. His name was Hegseth, and he was marked by the Iron Cross. He began to speak but, having taken the left turn much too quickly, crashed into a ditch. A great avalanche of White Claw seltzers thus scattered from his saddle, as the horse blamed his accident on the woke left.

I then addressed the Archangel Gabriel, “Great protector of God, the end times… are they… are they really this fucking stupid?”

“Oh, Apostle John,” he responded, “it’s far worse. We didn’t even get to Obama’s tan suit.”

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/book-of-revelations-chapter-6-revised-2026

Posted by Jimmy Chen

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/miranda-priestly-roasts-my-nirvana-t-shirt

MIRANDA PRIESTLY: You go to your floor beside your bed, and select that Nirvana shirt because you’re trying to tell the world that you are a proud Gen-Xer so moved in middle school by Kurt Cobain’s deadpan honesty and self-loathing that Nirvana became your favorite band, and now that you’re almost fifty, the nostalgia is unbearable… but what you don’t know is that Target licensed the “anti-corporate” band’s logo from massive global licensing hubs Live Nation Merchandise and Universal Music Group, off of which the band’s estate earns a significant portion of its revenue today.

You’re also blithely unaware of the massive legal battle over the iconic smiley face logo that Nirvana LLC claimed Cobain drew in 1991, and then I think it was Marc Jacobs who got sued by your favorite nonconformist punk alternative band for merely using a similar smiley face in one of his collections, sparking a lengthy legal war that only ended when former Geffen Records art director was able to prove he actually designed it. I think you need some pants now.

ME: I just—

MIRANDA PRIESTLY: You just might feel a tinge of betrayal to know that Nirvana LLC is complicit in the mass marketing of the band’s logo and media assets, giving Target remarkable autonomy over the band’s posteriority through approved streamlined style guides adaptable to fluctuating market trends for future generations to wear iterations of the shirt without having to listen to their music, either that or a shallow cursory awareness of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” with no context of the song’s cultural significance at a time when the band’s ostensible anti-corporate stance was sorely needed.

So your Nirvana shirt represents millions of dollars of corporate interests—not to mention comfortable residuals for the surviving members Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic, and Courtney Love, who legally owns her late husband’s estate—and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that signals to society that you are still a cool, alternative middle-aged guy with edgy musical taste when, in fact, you’re wearing a mass-produced shirt whose distressed look imposters as boutique tour merchandise you were too young and uncool to have actually purchased, now all carefully licensed, mass produced, and made conveniently available to you at Target, where you buy toilet paper and search for your youth.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/miranda-priestly-roasts-my-nirvana-t-shirt