Daniel's head - a Dreamverse addendum

[sid]

Just stumbled across this tonight and thought I would share. These are notes written on May 17th, sometime before the last two Dreamverse chapters were written. The entire series was written from Jack's POV, and some very wise people made it clear to me that the reasons for Daniel's behavior were going to need to be explained before all was said and done.

I spent a five hour drive to Wisconsin communing with Daniel, and the following notes were the result. The bit that is underlined was the big revelation that made everything else make sense.

I hope fans of the Dreamverse series will enjoy this outline of a love story.  :-)

 

WHY NOT

 

1. Daniel fell in love – why did he talk himself out of pursuing it?

 

Incompatibility – they would drive each other insane.

Jack’s career – danger of being caught.

He was the one who opened the Stargate and put Earth in danger – he wouldn’t assume the risk of undermining the program by getting Jack and/or himself kicked out.

Attracted to Jack even while he was searching for Sha’re – that guilt left a bad taste in his mouth

Their lives were too filled with danger – one of them could lose the other so easily, and Daniel was afraid of being the one left behind

He decided that longing for Jack’s touch just meant that he needed to be touched – Bjorn was the third man he dated (he had sex with the first one, not the second.)

 

2. Why didn’t he react when Jack told him that he loved him?

 

He never assumed that Jack was straight, because he could sense that the attraction was mutual – and he probably knew that Jack had fallen in love almost before Jack did.

Nothing really changed just because Jack had declared himself – all Daniel’s previous reasons still stood.

And there was Bjorn – so easy to be with, interesting, fun, attractive, good in bed, loving and warm.

Assuming that he was good in bed, Jack was all of those things that Bjorn was, too – but if he were to actually be with Jack, it would stop being easy.

He wasn’t going to throw away all the good things he and Bjorn had only to wind up losing his best friend, too.

 

3. Why did he fight to get Bjorn back when he knew Jack was probably still available?

 

All his previous reasons for not being with Jack still stood. (Although recent events had shaken his convictions. Bjorn made a strong case for Daniel pursuing his dreams with Jack.)

He didn’t want to be alone, couldn’t face going back to that – he and Bjorn were happy together, made each other happy

Bjorn was leaving him for the wrong reason; it was a pointless sacrifice. But noble. And Daniel had to admire that, had to feel a bit of awe. 

Maybe it was love, maybe not. Maybe it was love before – probably not. Not really. It was a given that Bjorn’s feelings went deeper than Daniel’s. Daniel just needed to prove to Bjorn that his feelings now went deeper than ever.

 

(Of course then Jack, well, it wasn’t exactly a sacrifice, but Daniel couldn’t imagine what it had cost him to convince Bjorn to give Daniel another chance. And Daniel couldn’t help but love him even more, in a wistful way.)

 

 

 

WHY NOW

 

1. Dying

Daniel realized that he was the one leaving Jack behind after all, and that he’d cheated Jack out of the memory of a love that he could cherish, and lost his own opportunity to experience Jack’s love.

Bjorn had told him that if he moved back to Denmark, Daniel would miss him for a little while and then move on, but if Jack were to move away the core of Daniel’s life would be cut out. Bjorn had been right, and Daniel had been wrong to live in denial of the truth.

He realized that by clinging to Bjorn when he was trying to step aside to let Daniel be with Jack, he’d kept Bjorn from the chance to find a true, lasting love of his own.

He’d been selfish and cowardly.

He hoped he wasn’t leaving Jack with bitter regrets. He was too far gone to feel bitter regret on his own behalf.

 

2. Ascended (Abyss)

Daniel was beyond physical desire or emotional need, but he was filled with love for all life.

Bjorn was one treasured drop in the ocean of humanity, but Jack he held in his heart.

Jack saw the love in his eyes because Daniel had no reason to hide it – nothing to fear, nothing to want in return – it never would have occurred to him to try to conceal what he was feeling.

Would he have done anything differently if he knew he was going to Descend? No. There really wasn’t much human about Daniel when he appeared to Jack – he really was Above It All.

 

3. Amnesiac

He had no idea who he was, where he came from, what kind of a man he’d been, what the future would hold. But he felt, almost from the beginning, as he watched the people of Vis Uban interact with each other, that somewhere he’d loved and been loved. It was like a piece of him was missing. Or, since all of him was missing, maybe that was the one piece that remained.

Vis Uban was all he knew, and the strangers were strangers. He’d thought that maybe the woman was the one, but no part of him had hoped for it to be true. He felt emptier than he had before they came. He would never feel anything other than emptiness if they left without him. He made his decision, still without hope or excitement, and went with them to the place they said was his home.

 

The one called Jack confused him. He wasn’t like the others. Jack had kept his things, held onto his former life – expected him to come back?  Jack vibrated with barely suppressed feelings of some sort, setting up sympathetic vibrations in him. He’d realized he was bi-sexual before he had a word for it, because it wasn’t just widows, hopeful mothers of nubile girls and cautious fathers of same that had delicately approached him on Vis Uban. 

 

He was vaguely drawn to Jack, but it was easy to resist, a weak undercurrent in the river that was carrying him forward to his past.

 

4. Starting to remember

All sorts of things were coming back to him, bits and pieces and chunks. Jack.  Laughs and terror and fights and movie nights and boring missions and yard work and grocery shopping and Jack going missing and more fights and… being held. Jack’s scent.

 

Jumbled sexual impressions: that one Sha’re, that one… a boy from college? Someone not Sha’re… a taste, a touch, masculine…

 

Jack declaring his love with an almost perfectly blank face full of hope and fear and longing… because Daniel could read him, because his heart knew him.

 

Jack was the one.

Comments

[paian]

This is really cool! It all makes so much sense, and the character analysis is wonderful.

He’d realized he was bi-sexual before he had a word for it, because it wasn’t just widows, hopeful mothers of nubile girls and cautious fathers of same that had delicately approached him on Vis Uban. -- This bit especially struck me, and if you ever felt like writing more about this time in Dreamverse Daniel's life or any other Daniel's life, I'd love to read it.

[princessofgeeks]

YES! THIS!

[sid]

:-P

:-)

[sid]

*blushes* I have to admit I thought it was pretty cool myself, re-reading it after all these months. I'm glad you agree!

Any Daniel's time on Vis Uban would be an awesome writing challenge. Personhood and character developing from next to nothing. *whistles and shakes head* I don't think it's something I'd be comfortable attempting... but now you've got me thinking about it! ;-)

[jdjunkie]

Oh, this is terrific.
Lots of things fall into place, not they didn't make sense before, but this sort of sets it out and makes us realise *why.*
Thanks for posting. I plan to reread Dreamverse shortly, so this was perfect timing, baby. :-)
*hugs*

[sid]

Yay for re-reads!!

Some of this information made it into the story, of course, but the parts that didn't are revealing. It was very kind of Daniel to let me in on some of his secrets. :-)

[princessofgeeks]

this is really a lovely line: "a weak undercurrent in the river that was carrying him forward to his past."

maybe it will find a place in your remix of your own story someday! :D.

Thank you for posting this. It's a terrific series and I'm so glad you hung in there with it.

*HUGS*

This fandom is SO LUCKY you are in it.

[sid]

I love that line - thank you!

Remix? The I Dream of Bjorn Remix? :-D

*BIG HUGS BACKATCHA* You were so helpful and encouraging, as always. And I'm so glad I stumbled across this and got a chance to relive some very good times. (Jack wasn't having such a good time, but I had fun being evil. ;-)

[catsmeow]

Excellent character sketch. Thanks for the behind-the-scenes peek at motivation and rationalizations.

[sid]

I'm glad you enjoyed. :-) I should have shared it sooner, but I'd forgotten all about it.

[sarkka]

Love this =)

[sid]

I'm glad. :-)

[(Anonymous)]

NEED MOOOORRREEE!!!!! I now remember how much I miss reading J/D fic.

SpaceMonkey

[sid]

:-)

Here! Have a J/D ficathon! http://community.livejournal.com/jd_ficathon/19792.html

That should keep you out of mischief for a while. I haven't read half of 'em yet! :-D