"Thinky Thoughts" about writing

[sid]

Suggested by kres

Take the first line from one of your stories, the line you are fond of, and then analyze it. 

I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but I'll play!  This is the first line from my story Once Bitten, which kicked off the First and Foremost series:

It wasn't that Daniel didn't like Colonel O'Neill  

1. So, Daniel DOES like Colonel O'Neill.  Not much analysis required there.

2. There is a "but" coming. That is implicit in a statement of this nature. But, he shouldn't? But, it has to stop? But what? 'But he wanted more' doesn't fit with the implications of the way the sentence is constructed, so that particular fanon cliche probably isn't what this story is going to be about.

3. 'Colonel O'Neill'.  Formal nomenclature indicates barriers, distancing. An early point in their relationship? Daniel may call him Jack to his face, but he's very aware of all that separates them. There is no ease and intimacy here.

4. There is some sort of problem, from Daniel's POV at least, between the two men. Is Jack simply being annoying? Is it bad breath? Or, is it something darker? *cue somber organ music* 

5. Why this line, and not some other, to kickstart the story?  Because Daniel's genuine liking for Jack is a major part of the problem, and will be a major factor in any attempt to confront and solve it.

Summary:  I think the line is an attention grabber.  It's saying something positive in a negative manner, and that's a clue to trouble ahead.  What's up here?  Do I smell angst?

here is a link to the story

Comments

[kres.livejournal.com]

Oddly, maybe, but I feel another thing from this line (not knowing the story): it seems Daniel is looking down at Jack. A little distanced, as if Daniel is on some higher moral ground, feeling he's a better man, somehow. What might follow this line is an example of the things the Colonel did that repulsed Daniel or at least made him look away. What might follow is some disturbing quality of O'Neill's that Daniel isn't particularly fond of.

That was my first-moment association :)=

[sid]

Yes, I can see that! Lots of sentences could be started that way, that would represent what you're saying. 'It wasn't that Daniel didn't respect Jack, but Jack was such an idiot', for example. ;-)

What might follow is some disturbing quality of O'Neill's that Daniel isn't particularly fond of. You're on track here! But Daniel definitely doesn't feel like he's a better man. Which is the very essence of this story, in fact.

[kres.livejournal.com]

Yep, and when I read the next passages of the story I can see how off the mark I was. But like I said - first-moment association.

If you're interested, go to janedavitt's journal, and try to interpret that line. (You can also see how off the mark I was there, even though I read the story :)=

[sid]

I guess it's just my smutty mind, but to me, there was only one possible interpretation of 'collar'!

I suppose we often form instant impressions when we start reading a fic, but, since sentences number two and three and four follow so quickly, tend to forget what they were as we get immersed in what the author is really telling us.

This is a really intriguing way of looking at those all-important first sentences!