Cleaning up
Jun. 8th, 2013 04:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sidRemember Dreamverse? And Bjorn? I've never posted that story other than as chapters, but I have a file now that's almost ready to be posted.
But I've found a couple of errors I want to clean up:
At one point I used 'beg the question' incorrectly:
Jack’s heart clenched. He leaned back in his chair. “Is this conversation over yet?”
“Daniel… but you did not want to talk about Daniel.”
“Please,” Jack said through tight lips.
“I thought you should know these things.”
And didn’t that just beg the question of what Daniel had told Bjorn.
I want to replace the incorrect usage, but I still want to keep the bitter flavor of the original sentence. Somehow, 'didn't that just raise the question...' doesn't seem to work. Does anyone have a suggestion to re-work that sentence and still hang onto Jack's anger?
In a later section, I have Teal'c announcing his need to kel'no'reem. BUT, this is after Daniel descends, so Teal'c is on tretonin and doesn't need to kel'no'reem anymore. Does anyone recall canon references to kel'no'reem post-Season Six? Maybe he desires to kel'no'reem? It's really just an excuse to get Sam and Teal'c out of Jack's house, because PLOT...so he could just decide it's bedtime, it's getting late, he's tired, whatever. Thoughts?
But I've found a couple of errors I want to clean up:
At one point I used 'beg the question' incorrectly:
Jack’s heart clenched. He leaned back in his chair. “Is this conversation over yet?”
“Daniel… but you did not want to talk about Daniel.”
“Please,” Jack said through tight lips.
“I thought you should know these things.”
And didn’t that just beg the question of what Daniel had told Bjorn.
I want to replace the incorrect usage, but I still want to keep the bitter flavor of the original sentence. Somehow, 'didn't that just raise the question...' doesn't seem to work. Does anyone have a suggestion to re-work that sentence and still hang onto Jack's anger?
In a later section, I have Teal'c announcing his need to kel'no'reem. BUT, this is after Daniel descends, so Teal'c is on tretonin and doesn't need to kel'no'reem anymore. Does anyone recall canon references to kel'no'reem post-Season Six? Maybe he desires to kel'no'reem? It's really just an excuse to get Sam and Teal'c out of Jack's house, because PLOT...so he could just decide it's bedtime, it's getting late, he's tired, whatever. Thoughts?
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2013 11:52 am (UTC)So Jack is wondering, not for the first time, just what Daniel may have told Bjorn about what Jack feels for Daniel. Because Bjorn seems to be acting as though he knows Jack is also in love with Daniel.
(Wow, it's hard to write about an all-male triangle!)
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2013 11:11 pm (UTC)“I thought you should know these things.”
And didn’t that just rip open the question of what Daniel had told Bjorn.
FWIW -- I was mentally playing around with the image of opening the question, and looking for harsh ways to describe it. I had tried 'raising' the question, but that led to innuendo that wasn/t at all what was wanted!
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 10th, 2013 02:56 am (UTC)I'm getting lots of words and images to play with. Something's going to fall into place! Thank you! :-)