'Inevitable', SG-1 team fic, PG
Jun. 8th, 2007 04:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sidI think this is Gen. *looks worried*
Not that that's what I should be worried about, because this fic definitively demonstrates that I have Lost My Mind. I would have rated it PG-13, but it was clearly written for the enjoyment of ten-year-olds of all ages. *shakes head*
Warnings for childish humor and icky stuff. Oh, and wacky aliens. ~600 words.
INEVITABLE
“Translation, Daniel?”
“Translation, Daniel?”
Daniel tried to think of a good way to phrase it. “Um, you know all the stories about UFOs? How they come down to Earth and beam up some poor schnook from his cow pasture?”
“Is there a point to this?” Jack inquired peevishly.
“Well, the story always goes that after the schnook gets beamed aboard the alien vessel…er…Teal’c?”
“He is forced to submit to an anal probe, DanielJackson.” Teal’c proudly displayed his knowledge garnered from tabloid newspapers.
“What?” Sam said.
“Excuse me?” Jack said, louder.
“I think these aliens may be related to those aliens,” Daniel finished reluctantly.
“Oh, no, no no no.”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Are you telling me that they want to…?”
“It’s one way that they learn about new species, Jack.”
“Oh, really? And, pray tell, just what are they going to learn about humans by probing our asses?”
“I’m not really sure,” Daniel admitted. “Body temperature? How the digestive tract works?”
“What I had for breakfast?” Jack suggested snidely.
“Ew,” Sam said uncomfortably.
“Yes, well, I’m sorry, but that’s what they want. And we’ve been told to barter for this naquadah at all costs, am I right?”
Jack made a face.
“It is a goldmine, sir. This naquadah is so pure that the refining costs will be significantly reduced. It’s an incredible find.”
Jack made a more vehement face. “Crap!”
“There’s no coercion here,” Daniel pointed out. “We’re free to leave at any time. But if we want to barter…”
“Crap!” Jack repeated. After a moment he said sullenly, “Anyone’s ass in particular that they’re interested in?”
“Uh, no.” Daniel blinked. “They just want…a human.”
“Sorry, T,” Jack said, deadpan.
“I do not feel slighted,” Teal’c said with a serene smile.
They all took a moment to frown at their alien teammate, and then Jack said, “Any ass that wants to volunteer – step forward.”
No one moved.
“Why are you all looking at me?” Jack said with narrowed eyes.
“Because you’re the biggest ass we know?” Daniel suggested delicately.
“Crap,” Jack said once again. “All right.”
“Okay, I’ll go back and tell Inshatael…” Daniel began.
“Wait,” Jack said. “Hold on.” His face scrunched up and his fists clenched.
“Jack…”
“This probe. It’s…some kind of technology, right? I mean, we’re not talking about a body part here?”
“A body…? No, Jack, come on!”
“Well?” Jack said with misdirected belligerence. “I just want to be sure there isn’t going to be some alien eyeball on a really long stalk taking a gander up my…”
“Geez!” Daniel said, cringing.
“Oh, god, I did not need that image!” Sam cried out.
“It’s technology, Jack! And if you don’t want to do this…”
“I’ll do it. I said I’d do it. I’m going to do it.” Jack’s face twisted. “I just want to be sure that they’re not going to be enjoying it, if you catch my drift.”
“Well, I certainly didn’t notice Inshatael drooling at the prospect!” Daniel protested. But after a second’s thought, he added, “Not that it would be easy to tell with his species. But they seem very sincere to me. So I’m sure that they’re not just…”
“Pervs?” Jack supplied.
Sam gave an involuntary hoot of laughter, earning herself a glare from her CO and a look of approval and kinship from Teal’c.
“Jack, I hereby promise to protect you from any…” Daniel motioned with his arm, “floating eyeballs.”
“Say what?”
“I said…”
“I heard what you said. I want to know what you meant! You’re planning to be there while lunatic aliens probe my ass?”
“What can I tell you, Jack?” Daniel said. “I’m a perv.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)“I do not feel slighted,” Teal’c said with a serene smile.
Ah ha ha ha ha!!!
“What can I tell you, Jack?” Daniel said. “I’m a perv.”
C'mon, that's pre-slash, right there!!! ;-D
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 09:09 pm (UTC)Daniel might be a heterosexual perv?
Nah!
I feel much better now. :-P
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 09:15 pm (UTC)and pick up some tips. ;-)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)Gen, my...umm... they're *so* doin' it. ;-)
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 09:23 pm (UTC)Oh, well, Gen or not, it's the LOL that counts. ;-)
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 09:24 pm (UTC):-D
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC)It was sufficiently gen unless you were going to say Jack/Alien Probe. ;-)
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 09:57 pm (UTC)*runs off to start a fic-a-thon*
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC)Oh, you slay me.
And how funny is it that the Sig was FINALLY watching Babylon 5 this week and, once I put the Narl down last night, we watched the ep where the Human descendants of past abduction victims want reparations from the (anal probing?) grey-skinned aliens.
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 10:24 pm (UTC)You should totally 'thon this. I can think of a bunch of pairings: Coffee/Daniel, Glasses/Daniel's Fingers, DHD/Sam, Fishing Pole/Jack, Memo/Jack (obviously UST), Wrench/Siler, Gate/MALP, Hat/Teal'c, 303/Cameron, Gaudy Clothes/Go'auld, Staff/Prior, Fire/Ori, Dialing Program/Walter...
Oh, God. Stop me. Now.
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 10:38 pm (UTC)But I don't think Jack will want reparations. I think he'll be more like Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein.
"Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life at last I've found thee!" :-D
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 10:41 pm (UTC)*dies*
Wrench/Siler - hey, you mean there isn't a community for this? :-O
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 10:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 10:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 11:17 pm (UTC)*rereads sentence* (Well, you know what I mean.)
But, if it makes you write like this, have another drink! ;-)
And I agree. “What can I tell you, Jack?” Daniel said. “I’m a perv.” Pre-slash and kink. The only good kind of gen!
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 01:34 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 01:36 am (UTC)Planet-to-planet instead of door-to-door.
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 01:38 am (UTC)Ah, there it is. It was Julie Christi and the movie is Demon Seed.
A super computer succeeds in raping its creator's wife in order to recreate itself in a hybrid baby.
So... we found the origin of the 'harcesis'.
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 01:39 am (UTC)Well my flist is certainly coming through for me and relieving my anxiety. I really thought I had written inadvertent Gen. Whew!
:-)
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 01:41 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 01:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 01:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 01:52 am (UTC)So... HAL/Colossus? :-)
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 02:22 am (UTC)