'Inevitable', SG-1 team fic, PG
Jun. 8th, 2007 04:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sidI think this is Gen. *looks worried*
Not that that's what I should be worried about, because this fic definitively demonstrates that I have Lost My Mind. I would have rated it PG-13, but it was clearly written for the enjoyment of ten-year-olds of all ages. *shakes head*
Warnings for childish humor and icky stuff. Oh, and wacky aliens. ~600 words.
INEVITABLE
“Translation, Daniel?”
“Translation, Daniel?”
Daniel tried to think of a good way to phrase it. “Um, you know all the stories about UFOs? How they come down to Earth and beam up some poor schnook from his cow pasture?”
“Is there a point to this?” Jack inquired peevishly.
“Well, the story always goes that after the schnook gets beamed aboard the alien vessel…er…Teal’c?”
“He is forced to submit to an anal probe, DanielJackson.” Teal’c proudly displayed his knowledge garnered from tabloid newspapers.
“What?” Sam said.
“Excuse me?” Jack said, louder.
“I think these aliens may be related to those aliens,” Daniel finished reluctantly.
“Oh, no, no no no.”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Are you telling me that they want to…?”
“It’s one way that they learn about new species, Jack.”
“Oh, really? And, pray tell, just what are they going to learn about humans by probing our asses?”
“I’m not really sure,” Daniel admitted. “Body temperature? How the digestive tract works?”
“What I had for breakfast?” Jack suggested snidely.
“Ew,” Sam said uncomfortably.
“Yes, well, I’m sorry, but that’s what they want. And we’ve been told to barter for this naquadah at all costs, am I right?”
Jack made a face.
“It is a goldmine, sir. This naquadah is so pure that the refining costs will be significantly reduced. It’s an incredible find.”
Jack made a more vehement face. “Crap!”
“There’s no coercion here,” Daniel pointed out. “We’re free to leave at any time. But if we want to barter…”
“Crap!” Jack repeated. After a moment he said sullenly, “Anyone’s ass in particular that they’re interested in?”
“Uh, no.” Daniel blinked. “They just want…a human.”
“Sorry, T,” Jack said, deadpan.
“I do not feel slighted,” Teal’c said with a serene smile.
They all took a moment to frown at their alien teammate, and then Jack said, “Any ass that wants to volunteer – step forward.”
No one moved.
“Why are you all looking at me?” Jack said with narrowed eyes.
“Because you’re the biggest ass we know?” Daniel suggested delicately.
“Crap,” Jack said once again. “All right.”
“Okay, I’ll go back and tell Inshatael…” Daniel began.
“Wait,” Jack said. “Hold on.” His face scrunched up and his fists clenched.
“Jack…”
“This probe. It’s…some kind of technology, right? I mean, we’re not talking about a body part here?”
“A body…? No, Jack, come on!”
“Well?” Jack said with misdirected belligerence. “I just want to be sure there isn’t going to be some alien eyeball on a really long stalk taking a gander up my…”
“Geez!” Daniel said, cringing.
“Oh, god, I did not need that image!” Sam cried out.
“It’s technology, Jack! And if you don’t want to do this…”
“I’ll do it. I said I’d do it. I’m going to do it.” Jack’s face twisted. “I just want to be sure that they’re not going to be enjoying it, if you catch my drift.”
“Well, I certainly didn’t notice Inshatael drooling at the prospect!” Daniel protested. But after a second’s thought, he added, “Not that it would be easy to tell with his species. But they seem very sincere to me. So I’m sure that they’re not just…”
“Pervs?” Jack supplied.
Sam gave an involuntary hoot of laughter, earning herself a glare from her CO and a look of approval and kinship from Teal’c.
“Jack, I hereby promise to protect you from any…” Daniel motioned with his arm, “floating eyeballs.”
“Say what?”
“I said…”
“I heard what you said. I want to know what you meant! You’re planning to be there while lunatic aliens probe my ass?”
“What can I tell you, Jack?” Daniel said. “I’m a perv.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)“I do not feel slighted,” Teal’c said with a serene smile.
Ah ha ha ha ha!!!
“What can I tell you, Jack?” Daniel said. “I’m a perv.”
C'mon, that's pre-slash, right there!!! ;-D
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Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 09:09 pm (UTC)Daniel might be a heterosexual perv?
Nah!
I feel much better now. :-P
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Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)Gen, my...umm... they're *so* doin' it. ;-)
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Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 09:23 pm (UTC)Oh, well, Gen or not, it's the LOL that counts. ;-)
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Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC)Oh, you slay me.
And how funny is it that the Sig was FINALLY watching Babylon 5 this week and, once I put the Narl down last night, we watched the ep where the Human descendants of past abduction victims want reparations from the (anal probing?) grey-skinned aliens.
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 10:38 pm (UTC)But I don't think Jack will want reparations. I think he'll be more like Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein.
"Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life at last I've found thee!" :-D
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Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 11:17 pm (UTC)*rereads sentence* (Well, you know what I mean.)
But, if it makes you write like this, have another drink! ;-)
And I agree. “What can I tell you, Jack?” Daniel said. “I’m a perv.” Pre-slash and kink. The only good kind of gen!
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 01:39 am (UTC)Well my flist is certainly coming through for me and relieving my anxiety. I really thought I had written inadvertent Gen. Whew!
:-)
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 02:34 am (UTC)“Because you’re the biggest ass we know?”
This is where I lost it big time.
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 03:07 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 03:08 am (UTC)This part just about killed me:
“I do not feel slighted,” Teal’c said with a serene smile.
And yes, I think the fact that Daniel wants to watch does make this pre-slash. (Because he's jealous, and wants to make sure that it all stay scientific).
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 03:33 am (UTC)Teal'c is just asking for a punch in the nose, lol.
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 03:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 03:35 am (UTC)But Daniel gets the last word. ;-)
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 03:13 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 03:37 am (UTC)Thanks! :-)
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 03:56 am (UTC)And then, They all took a moment to frown at their alien teammate
snork, *dies Poor Jack. What a team.
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 04:39 am (UTC)Yes, Jack's ass most certainly is ;-)
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 04:27 pm (UTC)Works for me!
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 06:12 am (UTC)helpwatch too?(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 04:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 11:18 am (UTC)I was smiling at another of your pieces yesterday. Guess what? Still smiling :-))))
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 04:32 pm (UTC)I'm smiling a lot, too, because these last few pieces have been so goofy that I wasn't sure WHAT kind of response they'd get! :-D
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 11:44 am (UTC)Heeeeeeeee!! I'm so entertained. *g*
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 04:35 pm (UTC)So very glad you enjoyed it!
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 11:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 04:39 pm (UTC)Excellent plan!
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 02:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 04:42 pm (UTC)Thanks!!
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)Oh, man, I almost snarfed my oatmeal right there! :D Fun!
Angie
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Date: Jun. 9th, 2007 04:52 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed it so much! *beams*
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Date: Jun. 10th, 2007 01:52 am (UTC)bwaaaa-haaa-haa! Cute fic!
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Date: Jun. 10th, 2007 02:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 11th, 2007 06:04 pm (UTC)that last line is so funny!!!! lmao!!
x
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Date: Jun. 11th, 2007 08:07 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed it!!
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Date: Jun. 13th, 2007 04:20 am (UTC)Patt
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Date: Jun. 13th, 2007 12:57 pm (UTC)I told you I like writing Teal'c - I didn't mention that I enjoy bringing out his inner stand-up comedian! Hee!
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Date: Jun. 13th, 2007 06:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 13th, 2007 07:10 pm (UTC)*beams*
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Date: Jun. 21st, 2007 07:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 21st, 2007 09:01 pm (UTC)Er, anal probes, I mean. Not Jack's ass. That gets explored plenty. ;-)
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Date: Aug. 30th, 2009 06:59 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Aug. 30th, 2009 02:27 pm (UTC)