'Inevitable', SG-1 team fic, PG
Jun. 8th, 2007 04:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sidI think this is Gen. *looks worried*
Not that that's what I should be worried about, because this fic definitively demonstrates that I have Lost My Mind. I would have rated it PG-13, but it was clearly written for the enjoyment of ten-year-olds of all ages. *shakes head*
Warnings for childish humor and icky stuff. Oh, and wacky aliens. ~600 words.
INEVITABLE
“Translation, Daniel?”
“Translation, Daniel?”
Daniel tried to think of a good way to phrase it. “Um, you know all the stories about UFOs? How they come down to Earth and beam up some poor schnook from his cow pasture?”
“Is there a point to this?” Jack inquired peevishly.
“Well, the story always goes that after the schnook gets beamed aboard the alien vessel…er…Teal’c?”
“He is forced to submit to an anal probe, DanielJackson.” Teal’c proudly displayed his knowledge garnered from tabloid newspapers.
“What?” Sam said.
“Excuse me?” Jack said, louder.
“I think these aliens may be related to those aliens,” Daniel finished reluctantly.
“Oh, no, no no no.”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Are you telling me that they want to…?”
“It’s one way that they learn about new species, Jack.”
“Oh, really? And, pray tell, just what are they going to learn about humans by probing our asses?”
“I’m not really sure,” Daniel admitted. “Body temperature? How the digestive tract works?”
“What I had for breakfast?” Jack suggested snidely.
“Ew,” Sam said uncomfortably.
“Yes, well, I’m sorry, but that’s what they want. And we’ve been told to barter for this naquadah at all costs, am I right?”
Jack made a face.
“It is a goldmine, sir. This naquadah is so pure that the refining costs will be significantly reduced. It’s an incredible find.”
Jack made a more vehement face. “Crap!”
“There’s no coercion here,” Daniel pointed out. “We’re free to leave at any time. But if we want to barter…”
“Crap!” Jack repeated. After a moment he said sullenly, “Anyone’s ass in particular that they’re interested in?”
“Uh, no.” Daniel blinked. “They just want…a human.”
“Sorry, T,” Jack said, deadpan.
“I do not feel slighted,” Teal’c said with a serene smile.
They all took a moment to frown at their alien teammate, and then Jack said, “Any ass that wants to volunteer – step forward.”
No one moved.
“Why are you all looking at me?” Jack said with narrowed eyes.
“Because you’re the biggest ass we know?” Daniel suggested delicately.
“Crap,” Jack said once again. “All right.”
“Okay, I’ll go back and tell Inshatael…” Daniel began.
“Wait,” Jack said. “Hold on.” His face scrunched up and his fists clenched.
“Jack…”
“This probe. It’s…some kind of technology, right? I mean, we’re not talking about a body part here?”
“A body…? No, Jack, come on!”
“Well?” Jack said with misdirected belligerence. “I just want to be sure there isn’t going to be some alien eyeball on a really long stalk taking a gander up my…”
“Geez!” Daniel said, cringing.
“Oh, god, I did not need that image!” Sam cried out.
“It’s technology, Jack! And if you don’t want to do this…”
“I’ll do it. I said I’d do it. I’m going to do it.” Jack’s face twisted. “I just want to be sure that they’re not going to be enjoying it, if you catch my drift.”
“Well, I certainly didn’t notice Inshatael drooling at the prospect!” Daniel protested. But after a second’s thought, he added, “Not that it would be easy to tell with his species. But they seem very sincere to me. So I’m sure that they’re not just…”
“Pervs?” Jack supplied.
Sam gave an involuntary hoot of laughter, earning herself a glare from her CO and a look of approval and kinship from Teal’c.
“Jack, I hereby promise to protect you from any…” Daniel motioned with his arm, “floating eyeballs.”
“Say what?”
“I said…”
“I heard what you said. I want to know what you meant! You’re planning to be there while lunatic aliens probe my ass?”
“What can I tell you, Jack?” Daniel said. “I’m a perv.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 10:24 pm (UTC)You should totally 'thon this. I can think of a bunch of pairings: Coffee/Daniel, Glasses/Daniel's Fingers, DHD/Sam, Fishing Pole/Jack, Memo/Jack (obviously UST), Wrench/Siler, Gate/MALP, Hat/Teal'c, 303/Cameron, Gaudy Clothes/Go'auld, Staff/Prior, Fire/Ori, Dialing Program/Walter...
Oh, God. Stop me. Now.
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 8th, 2007 10:41 pm (UTC)*dies*
Wrench/Siler - hey, you mean there isn't a community for this? :-O
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 10th, 2007 07:59 pm (UTC)“I thought for sure he would read me,” he sighed, dejectedly, as he settled down into his now-permanent resting place.
“Eh, don’t take it personally,” said the one below him. “He never reads any of us.”
From further below, Memo heard dozens of others call out in agreement. Some of them were from Sam, others from the Joint Chiefs, and as important as they might be, all were put away without even a cursory glance.
“But I’m from Daniel,” Memo whined.
A collective gasp ruffled everyone’s pages, and then the drawer fell silent. He knew what they were thinking; he was special, and he knew it. Daniel never sent memos. He liked to talk too much.
Quietly, one of the others asked, “What do you say?”
Memo thought for a moment, trying to remember the message lasered into his front. “Oh! ‘Dinner at my house--clothing optional. Don’t forget the guacamole.’”
Hundreds of voices filtered up, all of them laughing. But the one below Memo simply tapped his back and told him, smugly, “Yeah, well I’m from General Landry. He’ll be here tomorrow, and the first item on his agenda is to go through all the unanswered, unacknowledged memos.”
Without missing a beat he then asked Memo, “What do you want to bet after Landry sees this one, that Jack will start reading his memos from now on?”
The thought made Memo smile, but only a little, because ‘from now on’ didn’t include him.
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 11th, 2007 12:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 11th, 2007 12:43 am (UTC)Glad you liked!
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 11th, 2007 12:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 11th, 2007 01:13 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 11th, 2007 01:46 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Jun. 11th, 2007 02:32 am (UTC)And I know--poor little thing.
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 14th, 2007 12:42 pm (UTC)Loved this.
(no subject)
Date: Jun. 14th, 2007 02:38 pm (UTC)